Feelings and Thoughts
Oct. 31st, 2009 08:29 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
nyykiThoughts can be right or wrong. Someone can get the facts mixed up, base something on a lie, make an incorrect logical leap, and myriad other things that will lead to the wrong conclusion. That is why we have rules of logic and typical logical fallacies, like appeals to authority, strawman arguments, busted syllogisms, and all the other things one learns in debate or logic class.
Feelings, however, aren't like that. A feeling comes from a place where, no matter how illogical someone's logic is, requires that it be treated as genuine. We don't talk about untruthful feelings, because a feeling isn't like that. And feelings have to be treated with some respect. Someone may base a feeling on incorrect data, but that doesn't make the feeling incorrect, and discounting that feeling or telling them it's wrong doesn't clarify the matter, it just creates friction and devalues them in your eyes, and people don't respond well to that.
This is especially problematic when dealing with "rational" people, who place logic and thought over their feelings. These people don't handle emotion well in themselves or others, and they make the logical fallacy of trying to apply the same rules to feelings that they apply to thoughts. And then they can't understand why they get hostile reactions from people when they do that.
Don't treat feelings like thoughts. When someone says, "I feel...", honor their feeling and ask them to explain more or clarify, and keep it on a feeling level. When someone says, "I feel like I'm going to win the lottery," ask them, "Interesting, what makes you feel that way?" This will honor their feeling without making them feel like you don't care about them, and then you've got a dialog going that will allow them to explore their feelings while you address some of the logic behind it without just making them shut down or get angry.
Feelings, however, aren't like that. A feeling comes from a place where, no matter how illogical someone's logic is, requires that it be treated as genuine. We don't talk about untruthful feelings, because a feeling isn't like that. And feelings have to be treated with some respect. Someone may base a feeling on incorrect data, but that doesn't make the feeling incorrect, and discounting that feeling or telling them it's wrong doesn't clarify the matter, it just creates friction and devalues them in your eyes, and people don't respond well to that.
This is especially problematic when dealing with "rational" people, who place logic and thought over their feelings. These people don't handle emotion well in themselves or others, and they make the logical fallacy of trying to apply the same rules to feelings that they apply to thoughts. And then they can't understand why they get hostile reactions from people when they do that.
Don't treat feelings like thoughts. When someone says, "I feel...", honor their feeling and ask them to explain more or clarify, and keep it on a feeling level. When someone says, "I feel like I'm going to win the lottery," ask them, "Interesting, what makes you feel that way?" This will honor their feeling without making them feel like you don't care about them, and then you've got a dialog going that will allow them to explore their feelings while you address some of the logic behind it without just making them shut down or get angry.
