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Assessments
Aug. 30th, 2024 10:51 amI wonder if they're feeling joy at what their action did ten days ago. Do they take pleasure in their decision to make my life look bleak? Or is this some sort of lesson they're propogating that life is hard and we're all flawed and happiness isn't real for humans?
A friend of mine (waves at friend) has me reassessing some elements of my life. I went through my contacts list this morning, looking for connections that aren't being nurtured by me. I came up zero there -- most of my entries in the contacts list are businesses. The few who are left after I culled the ones that were dead or no longer welcoming contact are either folks who aren't local or they're not someone I can call on in a crisis.
I'm weary of all this. On one hand I agree that those of us in this hate state (and BTW, I'm way pissed they're doing this to my ancestral home) need to be here so they don't think they've run us all off or pushed us past the grave. But there are limits to how much someone can be asked to take. I don't think of myself as someone with vast reserves of fortitude. And this kind of stuff reminds me that I've been swinging at the ball alone for a decade and a third at this point, so there is no close in support. I know that can change, and since we live in a universe of constant change it can happen anytime, so the likelihood is equal that it happens never and at 12:21pm today. But the preliminary steps for that aren't done, and I don't think I can muster the mental strength to do any of those things.
Yeah, I'm down today. I accept that feelings are ephemeral, and without thought they also tend to be brief, the spark that fans the fire of the mind. Still, either I'm getting hit over and over again with the feels or my brain is trying to kill me.
I'm considering disconnecting from all new inspirations so I can finish what I've got hanging out there. That will free me to no longer expend the effort, and I can get done with this struggle. And I bet some of them will smile and make another tic mark on their tally sheet, looking forward to the day when all of "my type of people" are gone.
A friend of mine (waves at friend) has me reassessing some elements of my life. I went through my contacts list this morning, looking for connections that aren't being nurtured by me. I came up zero there -- most of my entries in the contacts list are businesses. The few who are left after I culled the ones that were dead or no longer welcoming contact are either folks who aren't local or they're not someone I can call on in a crisis.
I'm weary of all this. On one hand I agree that those of us in this hate state (and BTW, I'm way pissed they're doing this to my ancestral home) need to be here so they don't think they've run us all off or pushed us past the grave. But there are limits to how much someone can be asked to take. I don't think of myself as someone with vast reserves of fortitude. And this kind of stuff reminds me that I've been swinging at the ball alone for a decade and a third at this point, so there is no close in support. I know that can change, and since we live in a universe of constant change it can happen anytime, so the likelihood is equal that it happens never and at 12:21pm today. But the preliminary steps for that aren't done, and I don't think I can muster the mental strength to do any of those things.
Yeah, I'm down today. I accept that feelings are ephemeral, and without thought they also tend to be brief, the spark that fans the fire of the mind. Still, either I'm getting hit over and over again with the feels or my brain is trying to kill me.
I'm considering disconnecting from all new inspirations so I can finish what I've got hanging out there. That will free me to no longer expend the effort, and I can get done with this struggle. And I bet some of them will smile and make another tic mark on their tally sheet, looking forward to the day when all of "my type of people" are gone.
