Things I Forget
Jan. 9th, 2026 10:41 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
nyykiThings I Forget.
A Christmas tree. Holiday lights. Summers outdoors.
Dinners out or cooking when not alone. Picking up groceries. The casual intimacy of doing those things.
Being held, being free to share and enjoying being shared with, sleeping beside someone and waking beside someone.
All the things that let me feel confident in not being alone; being not abandoned.
Being there for someone and knowing they're there for me; banter play; making music with someone else.
Deep discussions; talking about movies or books that are common experiences for all involved.
Being loved, that love that's so much more than friendship; knowing my back is safe.
I can forget these things, often out of a need for survival as a person alone; unwanted; unneeded; an extraneous appendage to the world.
And one day, one blessed day, I might be able to forget you too; all you did; the wake where you left me to deal with your mess you made of my home and my heart; your tornadic path.
And then, so wondrous then, a time I dream of but with no hope of ever reaching, I can be at peace.
(note: I may turn this into a song -- some ideas for it are already percolating in my brain)
A Christmas tree. Holiday lights. Summers outdoors.
Dinners out or cooking when not alone. Picking up groceries. The casual intimacy of doing those things.
Being held, being free to share and enjoying being shared with, sleeping beside someone and waking beside someone.
All the things that let me feel confident in not being alone; being not abandoned.
Being there for someone and knowing they're there for me; banter play; making music with someone else.
Deep discussions; talking about movies or books that are common experiences for all involved.
Being loved, that love that's so much more than friendship; knowing my back is safe.
I can forget these things, often out of a need for survival as a person alone; unwanted; unneeded; an extraneous appendage to the world.
And one day, one blessed day, I might be able to forget you too; all you did; the wake where you left me to deal with your mess you made of my home and my heart; your tornadic path.
And then, so wondrous then, a time I dream of but with no hope of ever reaching, I can be at peace.
(note: I may turn this into a song -- some ideas for it are already percolating in my brain)
no subject
Date: 2026-01-09 05:03 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2026-01-09 05:30 pm (UTC)I heard a great article about Diana Krall this morning, and the song I referenced was from one of her albums -- she has a wonderful voice. That got me to thinking about the huge swath of near-terminal damage that person left in my life. So many people have something I feel I've been denied for close to a decade and a half; sometimes it makes me depressed, sometimes it makes me feel anger at the system and at myself for the things done that put me in the "She's not There" category, but sometimes it generates acceptance in me -- this is my place in the schema, and to want something else isn't my right to do/try. I think anyone in the psychological profession would come to the diagnosis that this remains a toxic element of my psyche. My biggest question about it is if it'll continue for the next ten years and about two and two thirds months -- after that it'll no longer be of any value anymore.
no subject
Date: 2026-01-09 05:51 pm (UTC)One more thing -- I don't think "Processing" is the correct word. No change has happened in my feeling about this for over a decade, ditto for my understanding of it. This is a personal experience rendered artistic, not any sort of change for me -- that type of change ended long ago -- I feel empty, but it's not the good empty of getting poison and bile out of the vessel, it's the emptiness of a container in the back of a closet or garage, no longer used and oft unnoticed and unthought-of.