Smashing Castles
Apr. 19th, 2011 09:40 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
nyykiThis is a term I use to describe a period most people experience in their lives.
The norm is that people don't get involved with their first love for the rest of their life. Our society is basically one of serial monogamy, and from my experience a large percentage of people have more than one love in their lifetime.
That first love is something unique. It's full of possibilities and hope, and there's very little cynicism or damage going in unless the people involved have baggage coming from their upbringing. Even then, this is a time of unbridled hope. And the people involved in the relationship usually believe the "happily ever after" myth.
Then comes the breakup. This is the pivotal experience, where they realize that they won't get that great love affair that is sung about in all those pop songs and told of in all those fairy tales. It's a sobering and damaging experience that creates issues and problems. It also breeds fear, because the refugees from this relationship have lingering aftereffects from the breakup of the emotional bond.
In fairy tales the prince and princess get married and live in the castle for the rest of their days. This is why I call this getting one's castle smashed -- the fairy tale "happily ever after" is destroyed.
This doesn't seem to be the situation in arranged marriage societies, as there isn't that expectation of eternal bliss in the marriage -- these types of marriages are business partnerships far more than romantic partnerships. Look at the statistics: Arranged marriages have around a 2% divorce rate, while first marriages in the United States have a 50% divorce rate, and second marriages jump up to 60% divorce. (70% for third, 80% for fourth)
The real issue here is healing from a dissolution. I had my castle smashed back in 1984 when my first great love cheated on me. I made the mistake of getting back together with her in 1988 and had disasterous results. I have the unfortunate luck to have it happen again about eleven days ago, probably due to her genetics and decisions. I'm still reeling from it, and I'm going to change my medical plan to one that provides psych so I can get into some therapy to deal with it. I don't want to carry the baggage from this devastating blow around with me moving forward, as it brings me down and causes me great pain. And I know now a few more things I want and don't want in a mate, as well as some additinal things I need.
It sucks to have one's castle smashed. But the true test of character is how someone deals with it after it happens. I've tried to be as open as possible in this and to keep everything in perspective. I've tried not to be nasty about anything, just stating what I feel is truth after calming myself and taking time to reflect. That's probably the best I can hope for in all of this, and probably the best anyone can hope for. I look back on my actions since I took the blow and I can say that I feel I've been consistent with who I was before this, and that is a source of comfort for me. But of course, it still hurts, and I suspect it's going to hurt for a while. The loss of a soulmate is a difficult thing.
The norm is that people don't get involved with their first love for the rest of their life. Our society is basically one of serial monogamy, and from my experience a large percentage of people have more than one love in their lifetime.
That first love is something unique. It's full of possibilities and hope, and there's very little cynicism or damage going in unless the people involved have baggage coming from their upbringing. Even then, this is a time of unbridled hope. And the people involved in the relationship usually believe the "happily ever after" myth.
Then comes the breakup. This is the pivotal experience, where they realize that they won't get that great love affair that is sung about in all those pop songs and told of in all those fairy tales. It's a sobering and damaging experience that creates issues and problems. It also breeds fear, because the refugees from this relationship have lingering aftereffects from the breakup of the emotional bond.
In fairy tales the prince and princess get married and live in the castle for the rest of their days. This is why I call this getting one's castle smashed -- the fairy tale "happily ever after" is destroyed.
This doesn't seem to be the situation in arranged marriage societies, as there isn't that expectation of eternal bliss in the marriage -- these types of marriages are business partnerships far more than romantic partnerships. Look at the statistics: Arranged marriages have around a 2% divorce rate, while first marriages in the United States have a 50% divorce rate, and second marriages jump up to 60% divorce. (70% for third, 80% for fourth)
The real issue here is healing from a dissolution. I had my castle smashed back in 1984 when my first great love cheated on me. I made the mistake of getting back together with her in 1988 and had disasterous results. I have the unfortunate luck to have it happen again about eleven days ago, probably due to her genetics and decisions. I'm still reeling from it, and I'm going to change my medical plan to one that provides psych so I can get into some therapy to deal with it. I don't want to carry the baggage from this devastating blow around with me moving forward, as it brings me down and causes me great pain. And I know now a few more things I want and don't want in a mate, as well as some additinal things I need.
It sucks to have one's castle smashed. But the true test of character is how someone deals with it after it happens. I've tried to be as open as possible in this and to keep everything in perspective. I've tried not to be nasty about anything, just stating what I feel is truth after calming myself and taking time to reflect. That's probably the best I can hope for in all of this, and probably the best anyone can hope for. I look back on my actions since I took the blow and I can say that I feel I've been consistent with who I was before this, and that is a source of comfort for me. But of course, it still hurts, and I suspect it's going to hurt for a while. The loss of a soulmate is a difficult thing.
