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Relationship Beliefs
Oct. 30th, 2009 10:54 amHere are a few of my beliefs and feelings about relationships, the Big R kind:
1. Relationships are built on Honesty, Communication, Compatibility, Affection, and Acceptance. Human beings are incapable of these things in most cases, so the foundation of most relationships is built on unstable ground, resulting in many failed relationships. The hardest ones are honesty and communication. Our society, and in fact most societies, don't put self-honesty into a top priority spot, so many people are incapable of being honest with themselves, much less anyone else, to the degree that a close relationship requires. Since these issues are tied into self esteem and self worth communication on them is also difficult for most people. And of course this means that a lack of honesty means a lack of self acceptance as a person tries to pull the wool over their own eyes about their issues. These are major impediments to a healthy interaction with another person in an intimate setting.
2. Relationships are a way for two people to hurt each other and keep on hurting each other whilst deluding themselves into thinking that they should have to endure it because of something they call "love." As such, relationships are essentially harmful to the people in them. This again stems from self acceptance issues. Another big factor is insecurity, where people test each other to see what they will endure out of a desire to see how likely the other person is to abandon them. This is known as getting them before they get you, and it's one of the most common self-defeating games.
3. Relationships are a function of the mating instinct which is an extension of biological processes to continue the species, but they come with all kinds of window dressing created by the people involved in them and also by society. These additional elements are not intrinsic to two or more people sharing time with each other, but are honored anyway and often cause problems.
4. Much of a relationship is a socially constructed dynamic used to cause people to conform to proper societal values so that social structures are reinforced. Relationships carry loads of baggage that people are duped into accepting thanks to outside pressures that set false limits on what a relationship should be. These assumptions, like fidelity, cohabitation, emotional support assumptions, and expectations on particular behavior patterns limit a relationship in ways that might not be healthy for the individuals but are well adapted to the social mores and structures, and thereby reinforce the needs of the social group while sacrificing the needs of the individual. Ergo, relationships are a collectivist function at the expense of individualism.
5. Love isn't enough to make a relationship work, and anyone who thinks it should be enough is either deluded, immature, or not mentally stable. Love doesn't conquer all; it conquers reason, self esteem, and healthy boundaries that are in place to protect the individual and leaves the individual damaged, possibly beyond repair.
6. Relationships are hotbeds of classical and operant conditioning where people are trained to respond in unhealthy ways. Since all relationships, or at least the vast majority, are not healthy and functional interactions, there is no potential for extinction of the misaligned behaviors and beliefs that stem from the relationship through normal processes. Each relationship will reinforce negative beliefs and behaviors, resulting in these patterns becoming deeply ingrained and passed on to any offspring.
7. All love is unrequited, because no one can ever live up to the needs of another person in the way the person feels inside. Intimacy is impossible, because the closest two or more people can get to each other still includes a vast gulf and that gulf can never be crossed, ergo what we call intimacy is simply an illusion of intimacy.
8. A relationship is a conceptual construct, not a physical one, and as such should take secondary place to the needs of the physical beings involved in it. This is rarely the case, because people put much more emphasis on the conceptual construct than on the needs of the physical beings out of a maladapted drive to feel valued by someone else. This drive stems from self esteem situations, and is ripe fodder for the predations of a relationship, as the parasitic conceptual construct survives only if the human hosts feed and nurture it. However, this feeding and support isn't by nature intrinsically beneficial to the hosts, so their needs are not properly considered much of the time.
9. The statement, "There's someone out there for everyone" lacks proper empirical evidence to be considered to be true. In fact, competing evidence is so strong that it can only be considered a good-sounding platitude that is close company with other myths, like the Easter Bunny, Honest politics, and the five minute orgasm. There are too many people out there who die alone, and though there are probably many compatible people in the center of the range of human traits, there must be some outliers who aren't compatible with anyone due to the eclectic and unique nature of their personality. (This is implicit in the term "unique," in fact) The reality is that since all people are individuals, a 100% match is likely an impossibility, and all people can do is pair bond (or larger numbers if they are so inclined) with someone who is close to them in values and has enough differences to make them interesting to each other. However, this process isn't guaranteed, and to imply so is both foolish and misleading.
10. The fact that the statement "We Hurt the Ones we love" is accepted in our society clearly indicates that there is a fundamental problem with our values and limits on relationships. That this could be considered anything other than evidence of anything but the pathology of relationships is a clear marker that great problems exist with how we as a culture view acceptable behavior in relationships and what we expect from them. Another saying, "Two halves make a whole," is just as clearly indicative of the problem, as it makes it clear that the expectation is that a relationship is a structure for solving deficiencies in partially functional people instead of a healthy interaction. It makes a relationship sound like a substitute for therapy. Empirical evidence shows that relationships, far from replacing therapy, bring about the need for more of it.
11. A balanced relationship is an impossibility in our current society, because we're not dealing with balanced individuals, and because people view a relationship first and foremost as something providing support for their weaknesses and to fill a void in their lives. This creates a fundamentally unhealthy foundation for a relationship, in which one or more needy people expect others to fulfill their needs.
12. For adults in our society and in most societies in the world the normal state is as a part of a couple for most of one's adult life. Even in late life after the death of a spouse it is often suggested for people to find someone to share their life with. Society is structured so that success is somewhat dependent on being a part of a couple as well, because financial situations and social interactions are geared toward this. Think how often you've seen a table for one or any odd number in a restaurant unless it's at a bar or counter. This creates pressure on individuals to pair up and function as a non-independent individual. It also creates undue stress on those people who are either not interested in subsuming their identity to a collective or who by either fate or their status as a social outlier are unable to attract a mate or mates. Such terms as "fifth wheel" illustrate this outsider status for one not in a relationship. This also clearly indicates that when in a relationship people are expected to do things with their relationship partner or partners, implying that it is abnormal for someone to have independent interests or a desire to not always take someone in tow with them everywhere they go. This is detrimental to self esteem, both for those outside of relationships and those within them.
13. People have a skewed view of what a relationship is and what it can do due to decades of codependent and stalkerish images foisted upon them by the media, especially music and videographic entertainment. As such, most people don't even know what a healthy relationship would look like. Dysfunctionality is the norm in most relationships, and so attempting to even address the problems means not only dealing with pathological behavior but also dealing with flawed perceptions about the entire topic. It's like trying to teach a vegan how to properly dress a sirloin steak -- the resources aren't in place for most people to even begin to understand why things aren't coming out how they want them to. And since these toxic patterns are portrayed as proper and normal people are resistant to establishing a healthy relationship because the healthy relationship is viewed as the wrong type instead of the popular but skewed type that is actually causing the problems.
14. Relationships are a function of a biological imperative, the mating instinct. As such they take on far more primacy, even when the people involved aren't interacting for the purpose of continuing the species. This biological imperative is a survival instinct, so people act as if the survival of the relationship is vital to their own survival. Again, this happens even if no offspring is desired. Because of this, a person' self worth is more strongly tied up in their ability to attract others than it should be, and if someone isn't able to attract a satisfactory mate they will be far more prone to depression. Also, an unacceptible mate will still fillthis need somewhat, so people will keep bad relationships for far longer even when the relationship is toxic or even dangerous. And for those who are prone to exploitive behavior they will do things they never would do if the relationship wasn't so deeply wired to the other person or persons in the relationship.
Are relationships all bad? No. There is something that can be very positive about one if both people are self aware, aware of these factors, and willing to work outside the box and keep an eye on things. Remember, an overwhelming percentage of marriages end in divorce, and an even higher percentage of non-formalized relationships fail. These interactions take work, lots of it, and if all of the people in the relationship are willing to do that work then there is no reason why a relationship has to be a negative force in a person's life.
however, it's very important to remember that much of the above is very insidious, and constant wariness is the order of the day to watch for these pitfalls.
1. Relationships are built on Honesty, Communication, Compatibility, Affection, and Acceptance. Human beings are incapable of these things in most cases, so the foundation of most relationships is built on unstable ground, resulting in many failed relationships. The hardest ones are honesty and communication. Our society, and in fact most societies, don't put self-honesty into a top priority spot, so many people are incapable of being honest with themselves, much less anyone else, to the degree that a close relationship requires. Since these issues are tied into self esteem and self worth communication on them is also difficult for most people. And of course this means that a lack of honesty means a lack of self acceptance as a person tries to pull the wool over their own eyes about their issues. These are major impediments to a healthy interaction with another person in an intimate setting.
2. Relationships are a way for two people to hurt each other and keep on hurting each other whilst deluding themselves into thinking that they should have to endure it because of something they call "love." As such, relationships are essentially harmful to the people in them. This again stems from self acceptance issues. Another big factor is insecurity, where people test each other to see what they will endure out of a desire to see how likely the other person is to abandon them. This is known as getting them before they get you, and it's one of the most common self-defeating games.
3. Relationships are a function of the mating instinct which is an extension of biological processes to continue the species, but they come with all kinds of window dressing created by the people involved in them and also by society. These additional elements are not intrinsic to two or more people sharing time with each other, but are honored anyway and often cause problems.
4. Much of a relationship is a socially constructed dynamic used to cause people to conform to proper societal values so that social structures are reinforced. Relationships carry loads of baggage that people are duped into accepting thanks to outside pressures that set false limits on what a relationship should be. These assumptions, like fidelity, cohabitation, emotional support assumptions, and expectations on particular behavior patterns limit a relationship in ways that might not be healthy for the individuals but are well adapted to the social mores and structures, and thereby reinforce the needs of the social group while sacrificing the needs of the individual. Ergo, relationships are a collectivist function at the expense of individualism.
5. Love isn't enough to make a relationship work, and anyone who thinks it should be enough is either deluded, immature, or not mentally stable. Love doesn't conquer all; it conquers reason, self esteem, and healthy boundaries that are in place to protect the individual and leaves the individual damaged, possibly beyond repair.
6. Relationships are hotbeds of classical and operant conditioning where people are trained to respond in unhealthy ways. Since all relationships, or at least the vast majority, are not healthy and functional interactions, there is no potential for extinction of the misaligned behaviors and beliefs that stem from the relationship through normal processes. Each relationship will reinforce negative beliefs and behaviors, resulting in these patterns becoming deeply ingrained and passed on to any offspring.
7. All love is unrequited, because no one can ever live up to the needs of another person in the way the person feels inside. Intimacy is impossible, because the closest two or more people can get to each other still includes a vast gulf and that gulf can never be crossed, ergo what we call intimacy is simply an illusion of intimacy.
8. A relationship is a conceptual construct, not a physical one, and as such should take secondary place to the needs of the physical beings involved in it. This is rarely the case, because people put much more emphasis on the conceptual construct than on the needs of the physical beings out of a maladapted drive to feel valued by someone else. This drive stems from self esteem situations, and is ripe fodder for the predations of a relationship, as the parasitic conceptual construct survives only if the human hosts feed and nurture it. However, this feeding and support isn't by nature intrinsically beneficial to the hosts, so their needs are not properly considered much of the time.
9. The statement, "There's someone out there for everyone" lacks proper empirical evidence to be considered to be true. In fact, competing evidence is so strong that it can only be considered a good-sounding platitude that is close company with other myths, like the Easter Bunny, Honest politics, and the five minute orgasm. There are too many people out there who die alone, and though there are probably many compatible people in the center of the range of human traits, there must be some outliers who aren't compatible with anyone due to the eclectic and unique nature of their personality. (This is implicit in the term "unique," in fact) The reality is that since all people are individuals, a 100% match is likely an impossibility, and all people can do is pair bond (or larger numbers if they are so inclined) with someone who is close to them in values and has enough differences to make them interesting to each other. However, this process isn't guaranteed, and to imply so is both foolish and misleading.
10. The fact that the statement "We Hurt the Ones we love" is accepted in our society clearly indicates that there is a fundamental problem with our values and limits on relationships. That this could be considered anything other than evidence of anything but the pathology of relationships is a clear marker that great problems exist with how we as a culture view acceptable behavior in relationships and what we expect from them. Another saying, "Two halves make a whole," is just as clearly indicative of the problem, as it makes it clear that the expectation is that a relationship is a structure for solving deficiencies in partially functional people instead of a healthy interaction. It makes a relationship sound like a substitute for therapy. Empirical evidence shows that relationships, far from replacing therapy, bring about the need for more of it.
11. A balanced relationship is an impossibility in our current society, because we're not dealing with balanced individuals, and because people view a relationship first and foremost as something providing support for their weaknesses and to fill a void in their lives. This creates a fundamentally unhealthy foundation for a relationship, in which one or more needy people expect others to fulfill their needs.
12. For adults in our society and in most societies in the world the normal state is as a part of a couple for most of one's adult life. Even in late life after the death of a spouse it is often suggested for people to find someone to share their life with. Society is structured so that success is somewhat dependent on being a part of a couple as well, because financial situations and social interactions are geared toward this. Think how often you've seen a table for one or any odd number in a restaurant unless it's at a bar or counter. This creates pressure on individuals to pair up and function as a non-independent individual. It also creates undue stress on those people who are either not interested in subsuming their identity to a collective or who by either fate or their status as a social outlier are unable to attract a mate or mates. Such terms as "fifth wheel" illustrate this outsider status for one not in a relationship. This also clearly indicates that when in a relationship people are expected to do things with their relationship partner or partners, implying that it is abnormal for someone to have independent interests or a desire to not always take someone in tow with them everywhere they go. This is detrimental to self esteem, both for those outside of relationships and those within them.
13. People have a skewed view of what a relationship is and what it can do due to decades of codependent and stalkerish images foisted upon them by the media, especially music and videographic entertainment. As such, most people don't even know what a healthy relationship would look like. Dysfunctionality is the norm in most relationships, and so attempting to even address the problems means not only dealing with pathological behavior but also dealing with flawed perceptions about the entire topic. It's like trying to teach a vegan how to properly dress a sirloin steak -- the resources aren't in place for most people to even begin to understand why things aren't coming out how they want them to. And since these toxic patterns are portrayed as proper and normal people are resistant to establishing a healthy relationship because the healthy relationship is viewed as the wrong type instead of the popular but skewed type that is actually causing the problems.
14. Relationships are a function of a biological imperative, the mating instinct. As such they take on far more primacy, even when the people involved aren't interacting for the purpose of continuing the species. This biological imperative is a survival instinct, so people act as if the survival of the relationship is vital to their own survival. Again, this happens even if no offspring is desired. Because of this, a person' self worth is more strongly tied up in their ability to attract others than it should be, and if someone isn't able to attract a satisfactory mate they will be far more prone to depression. Also, an unacceptible mate will still fillthis need somewhat, so people will keep bad relationships for far longer even when the relationship is toxic or even dangerous. And for those who are prone to exploitive behavior they will do things they never would do if the relationship wasn't so deeply wired to the other person or persons in the relationship.
Are relationships all bad? No. There is something that can be very positive about one if both people are self aware, aware of these factors, and willing to work outside the box and keep an eye on things. Remember, an overwhelming percentage of marriages end in divorce, and an even higher percentage of non-formalized relationships fail. These interactions take work, lots of it, and if all of the people in the relationship are willing to do that work then there is no reason why a relationship has to be a negative force in a person's life.
however, it's very important to remember that much of the above is very insidious, and constant wariness is the order of the day to watch for these pitfalls.
