So Much for the Spirit of the Season

Well, the scant bit of holiday cheer I had up to this point took a major hit yesterday. I now want nothing more than to just hole up here and tell the entire world to bugger off.

I'm starting to feel like I'm going to spend the entire rest of my life as a solo act. And the only feeling I get from such things is that I hope it's a very short run of the show.

Of course, I'll do the thing I should do, go and deal with family for the next two days and then come home and continue packing to move. But I'm quite tired of all of this, and my desire to continue as an alone person was never very strong, and is starting to weaken. I'm not one of those loner types, that's just icky.

Sometimes I think, "Hitler had Ava Braun. Mussolini and Stalin had wives. Evil harpy women manage to get husbands all the time. Abusive redneck jerks get wives and girlfriends. What makes me so much worse than them that I have to spend my life alone?"

With the exception of a couple of brief interludes and the ex who was only dating me for a place to live and someone to help parent, my last relationship was over a decade ago. That's when the ex decided to ask for a divorce.

Yeah, I know, anything can happen in a constantly changing universe. But possibility and probability are two differnt things. And I've heard the platitude that relationships come when you're not looking for one. Been there, honestly done that, nothing happened. And besides, there are a lot of people finding true love according to those obnoxious Eharmony ads, and no one can convince me that someone who signs up for a dating service isn't looking.

Don't worry, I'm not suicidal. I lack the energy to be suicidal at this point. I just want this feeling to go away forever.