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One month today, around 3pm, Zenguin told me she was running away. That was the last time we had any discussion at all about the relationship, so there's still a lot that I don't know about what happened, though in retrospect I can notice a disproportionate response in how she wqas reacting to things starting a bit earlier than that, at least a week.
This month has been about as much fun and peaceful as a toilet full of Austrailian Brown Snakes. The only contacts I've had with the person using her email have been atypical of the person I knew for almost seven years, so either she's changed or was concealing herself for a very long time. I find the first of the two to be the more likely.
Someone who was so concerned about how people treated others wouldn't do some of the things she's done since a month ago. Someone who told me it would break her heart if our friendship was damaged wouldn't tell me that she wanted no further contact and that any attempts would be considered harassment. Nothing in my behavior toward her, limited as it was, after she abandoned me in a house clutterd with her mess and with not much food in the house warrants this behavior. That is, not unless something serious has changed.
If she wanted to ensure that I didn't want to talk to her her subsequent behavior would do it. Do I want to talk to her again? I won't be rude to her, but there's going to have to be some explaining as to why she thought I deserved such treatment. I think I know the answer, but this talk would help me to understand if she's figured out for herself.
I've been emotionally all over the map this past month. I've been pretty suicidal at times, though this only came about after she started making threats. I've been pretty angry, too, as anyone who's been dumped spectacularly will understand. I've wondered if I will ever be able to trust anyone ever again when they say "I love you," as I've found myself at a stream of broken romantic promises dating back over a decade. It's almost like the universe is conspiring to drive me away from any hope of romantic love for the rest of this lifetime.
The house is very quiet. It's so quiet I can hear the music from the neighbors' houses. I haven't been able to listen to music much since then, both because of computer headaches and because of apathy toward it.
My business is stalled. I can't bring myself to do any work on it because I can't focus myself enough to do any concerted work on anything. I've finished my backlist of magazines and audio books on tape that I've had sitting, and now I'm working on computer files. I've gotten out of the house five times in that month, and only two of those for any duration -- a trip to Scarborough and a coven get together.
I can outline several situations that I found abusive from her to me during our relationship, and more after she ran away. Lots of talk is bandied about regarding abuse survivors. I don't think I'mreally surviving yet -- I'm just existing at this point.
I've found some more of her stuff lying around the house -- in some cases quite literally, like stray socks in the floor. I have a vector to get them back to her, through a friend that I set up because I knew she didn't want to hear from me any more. She has since gotten angry with that friend, thanks to what seems to be a guilty conscience on her part and a case of projection, so there's an additional layer in getting her property back into her hands. I don't want her stuff -- I have enough trouble when I run into things we shared without having physical reminders of her lying about the house.
What keeps me going a month after the fact? My friends have been extremely helpful, as they've really helped out in trying to keep me talking and letting the pain out. And yes, some of you folks here have been invaluable to me. I also have my integrity -- I can't find any places where I did anything to hurt her intentionally, and though there are a couple of things that might have made her irrisponsibility worse those were not root causes. (She has an assertion that something she dragged out of me was abusive, but she has an easy time crying abuse, thinking that abuse means "something she doesn't like." I don't agree with her on that point, and several other friends agree with me)
It's been exactly one month now. I suspect there will be a lot more before she gets the help she needs and stops the emotional roller coaster she's on, and even then I doubt I'll hear from her for a while. She always told me she was prideful and didn't like to apologize or admit when she was wrong.
I've said, even to her, "Closure only happens in fiction, because fiction has to make sense." So I don't expect any from her. And as for regret, though I don't regret anything I've done, I do think that it might have been easier if I'd done a couple of things differently. First, I might have let myself get into a relationship with her too soon after she got out of an abusive relationship. I tried to help her heal, but someone has to want to heal for that to work. And if I'd known what I know now I wouldn't have told her anything about metaphysics, as now she has knowledge I fear she lacks the rationality to use responsibly. (Meditations have revealed that there are powers in the universe who are deeply concerned or upset about that, and some of the things they've said give me a lot of concern)
One month. The worst month of my life that I remember. (I didn't remember a lot of my hospital stay back in 1997 because they had me on amnesiacs) And I'm still alive, but I won't say much more than that. I know it'll get better. But I still wonder why it had to happen in the first place.
This month has been about as much fun and peaceful as a toilet full of Austrailian Brown Snakes. The only contacts I've had with the person using her email have been atypical of the person I knew for almost seven years, so either she's changed or was concealing herself for a very long time. I find the first of the two to be the more likely.
Someone who was so concerned about how people treated others wouldn't do some of the things she's done since a month ago. Someone who told me it would break her heart if our friendship was damaged wouldn't tell me that she wanted no further contact and that any attempts would be considered harassment. Nothing in my behavior toward her, limited as it was, after she abandoned me in a house clutterd with her mess and with not much food in the house warrants this behavior. That is, not unless something serious has changed.
If she wanted to ensure that I didn't want to talk to her her subsequent behavior would do it. Do I want to talk to her again? I won't be rude to her, but there's going to have to be some explaining as to why she thought I deserved such treatment. I think I know the answer, but this talk would help me to understand if she's figured out for herself.
I've been emotionally all over the map this past month. I've been pretty suicidal at times, though this only came about after she started making threats. I've been pretty angry, too, as anyone who's been dumped spectacularly will understand. I've wondered if I will ever be able to trust anyone ever again when they say "I love you," as I've found myself at a stream of broken romantic promises dating back over a decade. It's almost like the universe is conspiring to drive me away from any hope of romantic love for the rest of this lifetime.
The house is very quiet. It's so quiet I can hear the music from the neighbors' houses. I haven't been able to listen to music much since then, both because of computer headaches and because of apathy toward it.
My business is stalled. I can't bring myself to do any work on it because I can't focus myself enough to do any concerted work on anything. I've finished my backlist of magazines and audio books on tape that I've had sitting, and now I'm working on computer files. I've gotten out of the house five times in that month, and only two of those for any duration -- a trip to Scarborough and a coven get together.
I can outline several situations that I found abusive from her to me during our relationship, and more after she ran away. Lots of talk is bandied about regarding abuse survivors. I don't think I'mreally surviving yet -- I'm just existing at this point.
I've found some more of her stuff lying around the house -- in some cases quite literally, like stray socks in the floor. I have a vector to get them back to her, through a friend that I set up because I knew she didn't want to hear from me any more. She has since gotten angry with that friend, thanks to what seems to be a guilty conscience on her part and a case of projection, so there's an additional layer in getting her property back into her hands. I don't want her stuff -- I have enough trouble when I run into things we shared without having physical reminders of her lying about the house.
What keeps me going a month after the fact? My friends have been extremely helpful, as they've really helped out in trying to keep me talking and letting the pain out. And yes, some of you folks here have been invaluable to me. I also have my integrity -- I can't find any places where I did anything to hurt her intentionally, and though there are a couple of things that might have made her irrisponsibility worse those were not root causes. (She has an assertion that something she dragged out of me was abusive, but she has an easy time crying abuse, thinking that abuse means "something she doesn't like." I don't agree with her on that point, and several other friends agree with me)
It's been exactly one month now. I suspect there will be a lot more before she gets the help she needs and stops the emotional roller coaster she's on, and even then I doubt I'll hear from her for a while. She always told me she was prideful and didn't like to apologize or admit when she was wrong.
I've said, even to her, "Closure only happens in fiction, because fiction has to make sense." So I don't expect any from her. And as for regret, though I don't regret anything I've done, I do think that it might have been easier if I'd done a couple of things differently. First, I might have let myself get into a relationship with her too soon after she got out of an abusive relationship. I tried to help her heal, but someone has to want to heal for that to work. And if I'd known what I know now I wouldn't have told her anything about metaphysics, as now she has knowledge I fear she lacks the rationality to use responsibly. (Meditations have revealed that there are powers in the universe who are deeply concerned or upset about that, and some of the things they've said give me a lot of concern)
One month. The worst month of my life that I remember. (I didn't remember a lot of my hospital stay back in 1997 because they had me on amnesiacs) And I'm still alive, but I won't say much more than that. I know it'll get better. But I still wonder why it had to happen in the first place.
