More Beltaine Reflections
Apr. 20th, 2005 12:30 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
nyykiNow that I've gotten some time to reflect on the experience, especially since I've been grounded for the last two days with a bum ankle, I have some thoughts that have occurred to me.
I have been dreading the Beltaine season for the last few years. It really does affect me, and I find my hormones ramping up and the old attraction matrix getting ramped up every year in mid April, finally getting released from this wave of passion aroundthe first of June. This is one of the things that always makes it clear that the Wheel of the Year is not just a conceptual thing.
CMA Beltaine this year was interesting. Of course, one of the most complexity enhanving things is my loss of sight. Attraction dynamics have taken on a totally different meaningnow that I can't seethe person and let the physical attractions take over. Of course, this does have it's benefits as well as detriments. To quote a line from Smallville, "I see the beauty that can't be seen in a mirror" in the people I meet.
I'm feeling rather free of cynicism right now, and I always relish this feeling. I disdain cynicism, as it is a prejudice that comes from the marginally intelligent mind that desires to control its environment by placing everything in a box that it can lord over. As time has progressed, I've found myself feeling cynical more of the time again, and I fight it when I have the strength to do so.
One interesting thing happened at Beltaine. MA has a friendthat is a hypnotist, and he did a session with the members of Camp Collapse who were interested. He gave me suggestions about my vision returning, and I feel that I can see a bit better already, even though I know it's a long process to regenerate nerve damage.
But I digress. This time last year, I was struggling with alone-ness. About halfway through the "Beltaine Season", I found myself back where I was before, feeling that I could be fine alone. This shifting back and forth has been a constant since my stay in the hospital almost three years ago. I've waffled betwween really wanting someone in my life to running from it because of what I have to accomplish in the next year. And I've had lots of conversations with Aphrodite on this, and I've had to deal with her inconstancy and tendency to tell me what she thinks I need to hear, with no regard for the truth. I often wonder how anyone could be seriously dedicated to a goddess who is known to be as ficle and self-serving as she is, and I always approach her with trepidation and a large salt lick in my back pocket.
But again, I digress.
I am finally getting some balance on this. CMA Beltaine helped with it a lot, as I got a chance to experience some of the Beltaine energy without it overwhelming me.
It's interesting that another friend of mine wrote in her journal recently about how she's in a space of two minds, because she is both happy for friends who have found their loves of their life, while she also laments the nights she spends alone at home. That struck a chord with me, as that has been my reality for over a year. At Beltaine last year, my two friends who I've known for twenty years both found kindred spirits, though one is working out far better than the other, and I've been very happy for them. But it has highlighted my alone-ness.
And yeah, I have heard the old saw that there's someone out there for everyone, and so there's no reason for anyone to say it to me anymore. And my conversations with different totems and Deities has told me that there is someone making their way toward me, though they have many things to go through before it is right for us to be together. Patience is a major bitch.
And by now, you're probably wondering, what's the point? Well, I'm finally feeling that I'm balanced about this, and that I can wait and bide my time until the right person comes along. I bring a lot of complexities to the table, so rushing things with the wrong person, or even the right person at the wrong time, would only mess things up. I'm no longer attracted to a solo life, but I can bide my time, waiting for the proper duet partner to learn their lines and melody.
I know this is a long, rambling message that is all over the map, but sometimes that's the way life is. I somehow feel that this solo time, even to the point of not having a roommate, is vital to my learning and experience. After all, every day that I survive by myself is one more day of experience in living with my set of circumstances.
One more thing. MA told me that she was very proud of me for going out to CMA and dealing with the multiple layers of stuff that entailed. Camping is not an easy thing for the blind, and going in I had concerns for how some people present might treat me. It was a big leap to go, and it was well rewarded. I know the trip definitely helped my confidence.
I have been dreading the Beltaine season for the last few years. It really does affect me, and I find my hormones ramping up and the old attraction matrix getting ramped up every year in mid April, finally getting released from this wave of passion aroundthe first of June. This is one of the things that always makes it clear that the Wheel of the Year is not just a conceptual thing.
CMA Beltaine this year was interesting. Of course, one of the most complexity enhanving things is my loss of sight. Attraction dynamics have taken on a totally different meaningnow that I can't seethe person and let the physical attractions take over. Of course, this does have it's benefits as well as detriments. To quote a line from Smallville, "I see the beauty that can't be seen in a mirror" in the people I meet.
I'm feeling rather free of cynicism right now, and I always relish this feeling. I disdain cynicism, as it is a prejudice that comes from the marginally intelligent mind that desires to control its environment by placing everything in a box that it can lord over. As time has progressed, I've found myself feeling cynical more of the time again, and I fight it when I have the strength to do so.
One interesting thing happened at Beltaine. MA has a friendthat is a hypnotist, and he did a session with the members of Camp Collapse who were interested. He gave me suggestions about my vision returning, and I feel that I can see a bit better already, even though I know it's a long process to regenerate nerve damage.
But I digress. This time last year, I was struggling with alone-ness. About halfway through the "Beltaine Season", I found myself back where I was before, feeling that I could be fine alone. This shifting back and forth has been a constant since my stay in the hospital almost three years ago. I've waffled betwween really wanting someone in my life to running from it because of what I have to accomplish in the next year. And I've had lots of conversations with Aphrodite on this, and I've had to deal with her inconstancy and tendency to tell me what she thinks I need to hear, with no regard for the truth. I often wonder how anyone could be seriously dedicated to a goddess who is known to be as ficle and self-serving as she is, and I always approach her with trepidation and a large salt lick in my back pocket.
But again, I digress.
I am finally getting some balance on this. CMA Beltaine helped with it a lot, as I got a chance to experience some of the Beltaine energy without it overwhelming me.
It's interesting that another friend of mine wrote in her journal recently about how she's in a space of two minds, because she is both happy for friends who have found their loves of their life, while she also laments the nights she spends alone at home. That struck a chord with me, as that has been my reality for over a year. At Beltaine last year, my two friends who I've known for twenty years both found kindred spirits, though one is working out far better than the other, and I've been very happy for them. But it has highlighted my alone-ness.
And yeah, I have heard the old saw that there's someone out there for everyone, and so there's no reason for anyone to say it to me anymore. And my conversations with different totems and Deities has told me that there is someone making their way toward me, though they have many things to go through before it is right for us to be together. Patience is a major bitch.
And by now, you're probably wondering, what's the point? Well, I'm finally feeling that I'm balanced about this, and that I can wait and bide my time until the right person comes along. I bring a lot of complexities to the table, so rushing things with the wrong person, or even the right person at the wrong time, would only mess things up. I'm no longer attracted to a solo life, but I can bide my time, waiting for the proper duet partner to learn their lines and melody.
I know this is a long, rambling message that is all over the map, but sometimes that's the way life is. I somehow feel that this solo time, even to the point of not having a roommate, is vital to my learning and experience. After all, every day that I survive by myself is one more day of experience in living with my set of circumstances.
One more thing. MA told me that she was very proud of me for going out to CMA and dealing with the multiple layers of stuff that entailed. Camping is not an easy thing for the blind, and going in I had concerns for how some people present might treat me. It was a big leap to go, and it was well rewarded. I know the trip definitely helped my confidence.
