Status Update

[nyyki]

I'm still feeling sad, but also there is an element of anger growing about this.
I'm a firm believer that you earn your way out of a relationship. If it isn't working you do what it takes to really prove that you did all you could. This is contrary with suddenly deciding it's over unilaterally and walking out. The latter is a sign of cowardice and a high level of disrespect for one's partner and one's self.
Her move was a deeply unsettling experience. She was polite and professional, but not courteous -- she didn't even say hello when she came to the door. She didn't feel like the same person -- the voice was the same, but her manner and vibe were that of a stranger. Of course she also felt like a guitar string tensioned to the point it was about to break and then plucked ever harder. She left a lot of stuff behind, especially in the kitchen. I have a friend who will get it to her, as she has told me she wants no further contact with me and any attempts to talk to her will be considered harassment. Another email mentioned that she's spoken with "Legal Counsel." One of my friends used the adjective "Disproportionate" to describe her responses -- I find that highly accurate.
She told me it broke her heart to think we couldn't be friends after this. Contrast this with her statement that she wants no further contact ever again and you get a feel for how out of balance she is. Several friends have told me this is a hallmark of a manic break, and that it's not in the least surprising.
I'm sleeping on the couch right now because she took her Temperpedic and the platform and frame. This is fine with me in one regard, as that bed was never all she made it out to be -- I've slept better on a lot of other beds, but she loved it, so I endured it for her, as it wasn't that big a deal to me. But on the other hand, sleeping on a sofa is like sleeping in a taco shell, and I'm looking forward to getting a bed again so I can sleep in my room.
I know I'm depressed at this point, and It's my plan to find a therapist I can afford. My health plan has a forty dollar copay per visit, so that's not going to happen, so I need someone with a sliding scale. She had her abusive moments as well, so I'm going to have to get help in recovering from that.
One one level I still wish for what I've always wished -- that she be happy and safe. But on another level I wish that she learn so that she doesn't do this to someone else or herself again. And of course I still miss her. The house is very quiet, though much less cluttered. I wish my mind was that uncluttered.

Comments

[dakotawitch.livejournal.com]

If it's accessible to you from where your house is, the UNT-Dallas Counseling Center sees members of the community for free. They have a limited number of sessions, but are excellent about providing referals to free and low-cost therapy providers. They really helped me when I went through my breakup, and actually connected me with the therapist I work with now. You don't have to prove an income level, and you do not have to be a current UNT student. It's located off of Camp Wisdom and Houston School Road, and I used to get there on the blue line and then take a bus...the 415, maybe? But obviously if you can get someone to drive you, it's easier.

[nyyki.livejournal.com]

If that's at the UNT campus down south, then I think they've extended the blue line to it now. Thanks, I*I'll check it out. I'm starting to feel better now. I got a bed today, and a mutual friend is going to take some of her detritus to her so I don't have to keep stumbling upon it all the time. My Zen Room is finally starting to shape up a bit, too, with a bit of work, so hopefully soon I can start finally using it for what I intended to use it for soon.
I think I'm starting to finally heal a bit from what she did to me. Never thought this would happen to me, and she was the last person I thought who would be an abuser. I guess the universe is full of surprises.