Assessments
Aug. 30th, 2024 10:51 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
nyykiI wonder if they're feeling joy at what their action did ten days ago. Do they take pleasure in their decision to make my life look bleak? Or is this some sort of lesson they're propogating that life is hard and we're all flawed and happiness isn't real for humans?
A friend of mine (waves at friend) has me reassessing some elements of my life. I went through my contacts list this morning, looking for connections that aren't being nurtured by me. I came up zero there -- most of my entries in the contacts list are businesses. The few who are left after I culled the ones that were dead or no longer welcoming contact are either folks who aren't local or they're not someone I can call on in a crisis.
I'm weary of all this. On one hand I agree that those of us in this hate state (and BTW, I'm way pissed they're doing this to my ancestral home) need to be here so they don't think they've run us all off or pushed us past the grave. But there are limits to how much someone can be asked to take. I don't think of myself as someone with vast reserves of fortitude. And this kind of stuff reminds me that I've been swinging at the ball alone for a decade and a third at this point, so there is no close in support. I know that can change, and since we live in a universe of constant change it can happen anytime, so the likelihood is equal that it happens never and at 12:21pm today. But the preliminary steps for that aren't done, and I don't think I can muster the mental strength to do any of those things.
Yeah, I'm down today. I accept that feelings are ephemeral, and without thought they also tend to be brief, the spark that fans the fire of the mind. Still, either I'm getting hit over and over again with the feels or my brain is trying to kill me.
I'm considering disconnecting from all new inspirations so I can finish what I've got hanging out there. That will free me to no longer expend the effort, and I can get done with this struggle. And I bet some of them will smile and make another tic mark on their tally sheet, looking forward to the day when all of "my type of people" are gone.
A friend of mine (waves at friend) has me reassessing some elements of my life. I went through my contacts list this morning, looking for connections that aren't being nurtured by me. I came up zero there -- most of my entries in the contacts list are businesses. The few who are left after I culled the ones that were dead or no longer welcoming contact are either folks who aren't local or they're not someone I can call on in a crisis.
I'm weary of all this. On one hand I agree that those of us in this hate state (and BTW, I'm way pissed they're doing this to my ancestral home) need to be here so they don't think they've run us all off or pushed us past the grave. But there are limits to how much someone can be asked to take. I don't think of myself as someone with vast reserves of fortitude. And this kind of stuff reminds me that I've been swinging at the ball alone for a decade and a third at this point, so there is no close in support. I know that can change, and since we live in a universe of constant change it can happen anytime, so the likelihood is equal that it happens never and at 12:21pm today. But the preliminary steps for that aren't done, and I don't think I can muster the mental strength to do any of those things.
Yeah, I'm down today. I accept that feelings are ephemeral, and without thought they also tend to be brief, the spark that fans the fire of the mind. Still, either I'm getting hit over and over again with the feels or my brain is trying to kill me.
I'm considering disconnecting from all new inspirations so I can finish what I've got hanging out there. That will free me to no longer expend the effort, and I can get done with this struggle. And I bet some of them will smile and make another tic mark on their tally sheet, looking forward to the day when all of "my type of people" are gone.
no subject
Date: 2024-08-31 04:51 pm (UTC)Peace
no subject
Date: 2024-08-31 05:15 pm (UTC)Thanks. I'm very much an extrovert of the social facilitation kind -- I like inspiring other people and getting them participating (if they're okay with that, I'm not going to force anything like that on someone else). This makes being alone a lot harder. Thanks for reaching out, being seen is vital to me.
no subject
Date: 2024-09-03 11:33 am (UTC)I know you can’t get out of here without radically reordering your life, upending everything you’ve worked so hard for. I’m going through that process myself, and it sucks. But I am structured such that I can live on merry spite, and be a gadfly when they’ve killed off all the “nice ones” of our lot. If so many of my people were not moving I would be trying harder to stay, but I am NOT built to rely on a small circle of trust. (My brain does bad shit to me, and I need people physically present to tell that something is wrong. I’m too high-masking to be able to tell I’m having a mixed state over the internet.)
My point being: from what I’ve seen, you can only live on spite for a while without getting burned out on it. And your spite is not a playful, happy thing. It’s bitter, and it weighs on you. This is not a moral statement or a value judgment, just how I see you. You are too nice to live in Texas, and I fear for you. Texas is trying to kill folx like us, you more than me, and it worries me that you are currently so burned out that you are not in a mental place to fight for yourself.
I’m going to perseverate on this problem. My brain is doing the thing. Please let me?
*all the hugs*
no subject
Date: 2024-09-03 01:44 pm (UTC)I wouldn't think of getting in the way of your perseveration. I wish you the best in that endeavor.
I'm not big on spite. That seems counter-productive. But please, tell all those idiots to get off my lawn.