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State of Mind
Aug. 21st, 2011 09:27 amI woke up defiant today.
I dreamed about many things, as is my normal pattern, but right before I woke I had a dream about going to get my license renewed. In the dream I was with my dad, step-mom, and little brother, who was still a baby. We were discussing that I needed to get my license renewed and how the folks at the license office wouldn't like having to help me through the written portion of the test because I was blind. Then I told my dad that they'd just have to deal with it, because I was getting it and they were legally bound to assist me under ADA.
I walked into the driver's license office and asked them to assist me, and Poe's song Control started playing in the background. Before we could start the process I woke up, feeling empowered, defiant, and a bit angry.
Of course I listened to the song first chance I got. For those of you unfamiliar with the song, it's a song about taking your power back. I feel stronger today than I have in a long while -- years, probably, and possibly since just after my divorce.
I've dodged three bullets in a fairly short time period. Each one took longer to make me realize that they were bullets -- the first one less than a month, the second one a year and a half to two years, the third one about seven years. I'm tired of the acrobatics, but my pattern based mind also recognizes a key fact here -- when you face very similar situations of greater and greater magnitude that's spiral dynamics at work, and that means I didn't get the memo the first two times. I can only hope this last time taught me what I needed to learn and that it was the proverbial clue-by-four weilded by the goddess. If it wasn't, and I missed the point, and will have to face even greater escalation, then I'm concerned, as I barely survived it this last time.
But hopefully this feeling is letting me know that I'm finally getting the strength to stand up for myself and say, "no, I need this, and that trumps your wants," when dealing with people.
I'm going to coven today, and with any luck I'll be able to turn this into something real and usable in my life. There's a lot of things I'm not happy about, and I think that it's probably time to change them.
One more thing. most people know about the analogy of cooking a frog. The root of that is that small and delicate changes are difficult to notice, and it's often used to describe the increasing of oppression or the subtle taking away of something to be desired. But analogies cut both ways, and the reality of it is that it is difficult to recognize improving circumstances if they're subtle as much as if they're negative.
That said, I can't be sure, but I may be perceiving more light than I did in the past. This indicates some improvement in my sight. I don't even know if it's measurable, or even if it's not illusory, but if it is real this means that given enough time I will see again. If you are so disposed, feel free to send energy to help this along.
I dreamed about many things, as is my normal pattern, but right before I woke I had a dream about going to get my license renewed. In the dream I was with my dad, step-mom, and little brother, who was still a baby. We were discussing that I needed to get my license renewed and how the folks at the license office wouldn't like having to help me through the written portion of the test because I was blind. Then I told my dad that they'd just have to deal with it, because I was getting it and they were legally bound to assist me under ADA.
I walked into the driver's license office and asked them to assist me, and Poe's song Control started playing in the background. Before we could start the process I woke up, feeling empowered, defiant, and a bit angry.
Of course I listened to the song first chance I got. For those of you unfamiliar with the song, it's a song about taking your power back. I feel stronger today than I have in a long while -- years, probably, and possibly since just after my divorce.
I've dodged three bullets in a fairly short time period. Each one took longer to make me realize that they were bullets -- the first one less than a month, the second one a year and a half to two years, the third one about seven years. I'm tired of the acrobatics, but my pattern based mind also recognizes a key fact here -- when you face very similar situations of greater and greater magnitude that's spiral dynamics at work, and that means I didn't get the memo the first two times. I can only hope this last time taught me what I needed to learn and that it was the proverbial clue-by-four weilded by the goddess. If it wasn't, and I missed the point, and will have to face even greater escalation, then I'm concerned, as I barely survived it this last time.
But hopefully this feeling is letting me know that I'm finally getting the strength to stand up for myself and say, "no, I need this, and that trumps your wants," when dealing with people.
I'm going to coven today, and with any luck I'll be able to turn this into something real and usable in my life. There's a lot of things I'm not happy about, and I think that it's probably time to change them.
One more thing. most people know about the analogy of cooking a frog. The root of that is that small and delicate changes are difficult to notice, and it's often used to describe the increasing of oppression or the subtle taking away of something to be desired. But analogies cut both ways, and the reality of it is that it is difficult to recognize improving circumstances if they're subtle as much as if they're negative.
That said, I can't be sure, but I may be perceiving more light than I did in the past. This indicates some improvement in my sight. I don't even know if it's measurable, or even if it's not illusory, but if it is real this means that given enough time I will see again. If you are so disposed, feel free to send energy to help this along.
