Another Nail in the Coffin

I'm having a lot of trouble with the new Live Journal message response form. Things don't read as well in it as they did in prior versions with my screen reader. It's highly frustrating and I can't understand why folks have to constantly change their web spaces all the time. I know they think it keeps it fresh, but from an end user perspective it wastes time and increases frustration and annoyance.
It looks like another one of the journals I followed here is going static, so I'm down to about three people I stay on here to keep up with. The mix of frustrations and dying activity is fast making this a less than optimum forum for blogging. And no, Facebook is no better, as it has too much traffic and nags to play games and such to be enticing, and I also lost interest there when I kept running into my ex's name on friends' messages with responses or likes.

Pick Two

A friend of mine says when discussing potentials in his love life, "Interested, Availible, and Sane, pick any two."
I've been thinking about this, and applying it to my own perspective. The reason for this is simple -- I have been dreaming about some idyllic relationship, and I haven't gotten enough information to figure out if it's a walk-in situation or my subconscious playing the wish fulfillment game, but either one is troubling.
I'm definitely not interested right now. In anyone. I'm in a headspace that even if the most perfect mate came walking in fifteen minutes from now I'd pass on it. I no longer trust intimate relationships to bring anything but pain, and more importantly I don't trust my judgment faculties or how i respond to relationships to be able to pick a good one or keep it working.
As for availible, I'm not in any kind of relationship right now, but I'm not availible -- emotionally if nothing else. I'm very emotionally closed off right now, and at this point I feel like I won't ever have any interest in getting close to anyone else ever again. This opens all kinds of social problems, as people tend to prefer couples over singles, especially if they're in a couple, which is the norm for our society.
And then there's sane. I don't know what that means anymore, but I suspect I'm somewhat deranged after what I've been through with the last two romantic partners. Talk about something that will make you question your fitness to decide on people to date. I have days now where I don't talk to anyone unless the phone rings, because my roommate is a very quiet person, and I've been so as well. My overriding concern now is to get the house in my name and finish getting it the way I like it, and my interests beyond that are mostly in creative ventures like the old school gaming magazine I'm working on and my writing and music.
When I wake up from those dreams I shift quickly from the happy glow of the functional relationship to a feeling of dread as I return to consciousness. My next action is to perform a banishing in case it was a visit to keep the person from me. It's like the last two relationships were there to make me let go of any interest in doing this to myself ever again. Talk about aversion therapy...
So, in light of this I'm pretty clear on the fact that I'd be a horrible partner at this time, and for the forseeable future. So not only is it a kindness to others to keep myself out of the dating pool, but a kindness to me to not put myself through something that I can't trust to be even partially functional.
And I have absolutely no desire for that to change. I can't speak for what time will bring, of course, because time is a trickster with a perverse sense of humor and irony, but unless something changes, I'm done for this lifetime. Maybe next life.