Damned Insomnia
May. 13th, 2007 04:32 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
nyykiI hate these times when all I seem to do is rearange the furniture of my mind. I know there's a layout that has the right flow, asthetics, and feng shui, but I can't seem to get it right.
The thing most annoying is that this keeps me up. I'm having that little problem where I can't get more than five hours of sleep at one time. It sucks.
I'm processing hard on the stuff the ritual brought up, and I still have half a moon cycle before I can act on it, so I'm going to really have to keep patient with this stuff. I know that this was the right time and place to deal with this stuff -- it had to be dealt with, because it's something that just isn't working in my life anymore, and the alternative to getting these things changed is taking myself out of the game permanently. Other people tell me that that's a far less optimal option -- I'm not as sure as they are about that, but I also understand that I'm not in the most objective place about these things.
I know I really need to find someone professional to talk to about this -- my best friend is constantly telling me this, and though I don't share her more positive opinion of the psychological community, I do acknowledge that they do have a time and a place where they are an appropriate option. But on a "fixed" income that increasingly seems rather broken, that's not really an option. I know there are sliding scale options out there, but you can only slide so far down the scale, and since my transportation isn't up to me, that's another mitigating factor.
I'm feeling pretty alone right now. (big picture, not just right now at four and a half in the morning) I feel like I've been in a holding pattern , even though I've made a lot of progress -- a degree is definitely progress. But that's just window dressing in my mind, because the things I want to move on don't involve classes and textbooks. I've reached several destination points in my life, but they seem like the first stops on a long journey, or sometimes just bag packing instead of the actual journey.
One thing that is making this harder is that some of my support resources have broken down lately, and so I feel like I have less options to get the support I need for the rather hard journey I have coming up ahead. The book I listened to yesterday and the night before affected me profoundly, often bringing me to tears, and now I have to work through the psychological aftermath and find a way to move the furniture yet again.
Le' Sigh. I'm hoping in these next couple of weeks to get the basics for application to SMU done, and get the rest of the home stuff prepped, so that I'm ready to leap out of this stupid city I live in and get things moving forward to the next part of my life. Then I can finally pick a spot for the damned sofa in my head and prepare the next journey's itinerary.
The thing most annoying is that this keeps me up. I'm having that little problem where I can't get more than five hours of sleep at one time. It sucks.
I'm processing hard on the stuff the ritual brought up, and I still have half a moon cycle before I can act on it, so I'm going to really have to keep patient with this stuff. I know that this was the right time and place to deal with this stuff -- it had to be dealt with, because it's something that just isn't working in my life anymore, and the alternative to getting these things changed is taking myself out of the game permanently. Other people tell me that that's a far less optimal option -- I'm not as sure as they are about that, but I also understand that I'm not in the most objective place about these things.
I know I really need to find someone professional to talk to about this -- my best friend is constantly telling me this, and though I don't share her more positive opinion of the psychological community, I do acknowledge that they do have a time and a place where they are an appropriate option. But on a "fixed" income that increasingly seems rather broken, that's not really an option. I know there are sliding scale options out there, but you can only slide so far down the scale, and since my transportation isn't up to me, that's another mitigating factor.
I'm feeling pretty alone right now. (big picture, not just right now at four and a half in the morning) I feel like I've been in a holding pattern , even though I've made a lot of progress -- a degree is definitely progress. But that's just window dressing in my mind, because the things I want to move on don't involve classes and textbooks. I've reached several destination points in my life, but they seem like the first stops on a long journey, or sometimes just bag packing instead of the actual journey.
One thing that is making this harder is that some of my support resources have broken down lately, and so I feel like I have less options to get the support I need for the rather hard journey I have coming up ahead. The book I listened to yesterday and the night before affected me profoundly, often bringing me to tears, and now I have to work through the psychological aftermath and find a way to move the furniture yet again.
Le' Sigh. I'm hoping in these next couple of weeks to get the basics for application to SMU done, and get the rest of the home stuff prepped, so that I'm ready to leap out of this stupid city I live in and get things moving forward to the next part of my life. Then I can finally pick a spot for the damned sofa in my head and prepare the next journey's itinerary.
