Updates and the Boot Camp

[nyyki]

It's been over six days since she has deigned to call me, respond to a text or email, or show me any consideration at all. Her stuff is still strewn all over my house, and she has made no attempt to communicate about picking it up or even getting it out of my way. I now have food in the house, thanks to my dad, because she left me pretty high and dry when she left. The sadness has given way to indignance and some anger at this point thanks to her callousness. She is treating me worse than her abusive ex, and I'm definitely seeing the whole dynamic of someone who is abused becoming an abuser.
We had music gathering last night, and one of the folks in the gathering helped me clean up the living room and dining room. We also talked, and yet another person told me that they don't see that I am the cause of this discord, she is and her failure to continue with her meds.
I used to hold out some hope there was a chance this could be recovered. I no longer think that is possible. I'm not completely sure, but I think I've fallen out of love with her, and my disgust at the behavior of someone who would treat another person this way is quite high. It would take a lot of amends and some very definite conditions before I would consider getting involved with her again. She expressed a desire to be friends, but I can't see how I can reconcile my feelings about her treatment of me with a friendship at this point.
A good friend of mine who follows a Norse Traditionalist path has advised me repeatedly to just let her go and never consider ever getting back together with her. Yes she's my Soulmate, but the mixture of her experiences in this lifetime and the damage done thanks to her disease may have put too great a barrier up for us to be happy together. If her intention was to kill the attraction I had for her all those seven years, then it's feeling like she accomplished that goal.
I've learned a lot in this. For one thing I've learned how valuable my friends are. They've stepped up to the plate and given me a lot of support, and I'm extremely grateful about that. I also know that I abdicated a lot to her while we were going out because those things, for the most part, are things couples do for each other. I probably missed some important things in all that, and probably should have found someone else to take care of my needs when she proved that her wants were more important and that she wasn't able to take care of herself, much less another person. And I've learned some of the dynamics one needs to have a relationship with someone who has a psychological disorder.
I've secured another person for the Boot Camp, so hopefully they will start appearing later today or tomorrow. This interruption of a week cost momentum and it won't get the benefit it might have, but I'm dedicated to finishing it through to the end because I've had problems getting done with it in the past. So expect to see fiction segments appearing here soon again.
The last two relationship chances were bullet dodges, and I'm starting to feel this one was too. In a way it put a cherry on top of some lingering love issues. I haven't been in the situation for a long time where I don't have an unrequited love for someone out there. Maybe this was one of the big reasons for this all. I still feel like Charlie Brown and the damnable football, as I've had a lot of near starts and such that make me feel like the universe is setting me up with romantic situations and yanking them away right as I get good and committed to them. But at least now I don't have anything hanging over my head.
Oh, and the suicidal tendencies have passed for now. It's been a bitch of a year and a half, with massive change, but I am hoping that it'll start looking up. I need a good rebound relationship where neither of us is looking for anything but the here and now.
One more thing -- I think I'm probably done with CMA. I've not really enjoyed the festival trappings for a while, and the only reason I've gone down there is for the people I know, not the workshops, revel fire, or other trappings. At the very least I need some time away from it all, and it's likely I won't return. Guardian isn't relieving in appropriate places down there, so I can't take the guide dog with me anymore, and it's just not worth it anymore. I know this will mean I don't get to "see" some of y'all anymore, but there's not much I can do about that. Five and a half hours drive is a long time to drive just for friends, especially when it also carries a $75 price tag. And she has expressed a desire to go back, which means I run the risk of running into her there, and right now I have absolutely no desire to do that in the future.
I'm seriously thinking of getting out of the country in a bit. I need to get a passport and save money, but it seems like it'd be nice to spend a few weeks in Athens or northern Scotland. I've almost got the airfare for the latter already if I go frugally and do a couple of layovers. The aforementioned Norse friend has a lot of clan and friends up there, and the idea of a place so quiet the bees wake you up in the morning has some appeal with how hectic things have gotten in my life.
It looks like this big pooch screw is reaching endgame, at least for me, so now I can move on. I'll be pissed for a while moving forward, but pissed is better than just hurt -- it means I'm taking care of my emotions instead of being a victim.
Oh, one more thing. I haven't decided yet how long I'll provide free storage for her stuff. At some point soon I'll get people over to clean up things and get her stuff out of my way. Texas law says that abandonment is 48 hours after leaving. I'm fighting down a fairly vindictive frame of mind in this, as she has been off with friends and away from trappings of our relationship while I've been stuck in the house almost completely alone with all her stuff surrounding me and no way to do much of anything about it. (And of course, with minimal food, too, and I mentioned this food problem to her when she was leaving and she had pretty much nothing to say about it) I feel I have the right to feel more than a little bit indignant, and to anyone looking from the outside it's pretty clear, as many of my friends have said, that I'm the one who was the victim here. (Yes, I know they're my friends, and they're going to bias towards my needs, but some of them are or were friends of her as well. She's definitely put herself out of the community in a lot of quarters with her actions)
I think that's all for now. I've finished being hurt, and now I have to find the wherewithall to finish being pissed and move on. It's hard to let go when you're living in someone else's stuff strewn all over the place, but I have mad skills. I know this is long, but thanks for hanging in through it all. I've come to value my friends a lot more now.

Comments

[dakotawitch.livejournal.com]

How well I remember when Bun left her stuff all over my place, and I had to negotiate the detritus of our relationship on a daily basis. It sucks. I'm glad you have people that are going to help you get it all contained. Set a time frame for her to get it, and stick to it.

I am sorry you are going through all this, and I'll save all the stuff people are going to say about learning opportunities and things being for the best :) I also think that getting into that pissed state is key to healing -- it gives you fire to keep going and moving forward, and while it's not a long term recipe for health, it's a short term strategy that works well and helps stave off the depression and other stuff that goes with breakups that sometimes make us, for lack of a better word, stupid about our choices. (Do not ask me how I know this.)

You have the right to be angry, and you have the right to have your needs (on all levels) respected and met insofar as another person can meet/help you meet them.

Take care of yourself.

[nyyki.livejournal.com]

I feel my feelings in this are genuine. I learned how to honor my feelings and try to understand them instead of trying to rationalize them away with my mind back in 2000 when I attended a life management seminar, and that's very important to me. I won't sell myself down the river to make someone else feel better about their actions because I want to keep a healthy level of self esteem.
I can't conceptualize what is going on in her head right now, and I honestly don't want to even try. But no contact for six days is beyond the pale and also potentially abusive. There aren't many excuses that one can put forth for that, and most of them are precluded by har appearance on AIM last night for a good while. (I didn't contact her because prior contact attempts have been met with silence, and so it's in her corner now to contact me about her stuff, not my job to hunt her down)
If I could find a neutral third party to act as an intermediary in this I'd probably do it at this point, as I have absolutely no desire to talk to her. I'm bordering on livid about this, and I've taken measures to secure the house tomorrow when I'm off doing coven things.
As they say in gastrointestinal circles, this too shall pass. I just want this drama over at this point.
Oh, ever notice how the amateur thespian royalty is so fast to point to others and accuse them of being overly dramatic? Just an observation.

[dakotawitch.livejournal.com]

Good for you for standing your ground emotionally. That's hard to do, especially in matters of the heart, and it's also one of the easiest ways to break someone's control over you. (Don't know if/to what extent that was an issue, but I do know that making me question my right to my feelings and even apologize for my feelings was a tactic my own manipulative exes used, so putting out there.)

And yes, I think 6 days of no contact does at least border on abusive. It's one thing to say "Hey, I need no contact for X number of days," but quite another to just go radio silent. IMHO, it's a control move -- to control the terms of the breakup, to control terms of the stuff exchange, to try to force you to be reactive instead of active. It's BS, and it hurts like fuck, and it's hard to do anything about.

Do you have a neutral third party that can intervene or serve as a contact point?

And I hear you on the accused of drama thing. I can do the drama queen gig, but I've found that most of the times I've been accused of such, I am not wearing my drama-llama fur coat :)

[nyyki.livejournal.com]

Anyone who tries to invalidate my feelings will learn how close the door is. I went through hell in the life management seminar in learning how to honor my feelings and accept them as genuine, and that's a deal breaker plain and simple.
MJohn Bradshaw once said, "When someone is calling you selfish, they're actually talking about themself most of the time." This goes for drama types as well.
I have to acknowledge that she's not in her right mind for the moment. That doesn't mean I can handle this kind of abuse, and I suspect that fairly soon I'm going to have to deal with more drama stemming from this whole affair. I'm not happy about it, but it is what it is. I've got people helping me in getting things better organized, so that will help a lot.
And yes, I have a neutral third party who is willing to act as a mediator and go between if I need it.
The problem I now face is an interesting one. I'm a great person to be involved with -- I'm caring, tender, supportive, affectionate, not burdened with a macho attitude, and I treat othes with dignity and respect. But where do I find sane individuals who are willing to get involved with someone who is blind, pagan/new age, and gender queer? With her she not only supported my gender issues, she reveled in them. I want that for my next relationship as well. I'm out of ideas on where to find those folks. The normal dating sites don't do it. So where do I look?

[dakotawitch.livejournal.com]

Ah, I wish I knew where to look for folks who are not only open-minded about dating folks who are pagan/new age, gender queer, or differently abled, but who are actually looking for someone with some or all of those qualities. While I'm happily committed in my own relationship, I know plenty of folks who are looking for dating partners who don't find what they're looking for online. (Though I do have to say that OKCupid! has folks looking for all types, and might be a decent place to start if you aren't already there...I met Steph there, and I've met some interesting friends there as well. There seem to be a lot of trans and gender queer folks there, so at least that is a plus, and Pagans are pretty common as well.)

[nyyki.livejournal.com]

Good to know. I'll give it a look in a bit when I'm done feeling raked over the coals. Eight days with no contact. I didn't think she was capable of something like this. Disappointing.