Universary Day
May. 14th, 2011 08:28 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
nyykiToday at 2pm Zenguin and I were to be handfasted. This of course went down the proverbial tubes when she decided to run from responsibility in an episode of what looks to be mania on April 8, but it still weighs upon me, as this is one of the last dates where we had anything planned.
I'm going to a friend's wedding today, which should be an interesting emotional ride, as it will probably bring up a lot of feelings about how this entire thing came apart. Though the friend is mutual to the both of us, she hadn't RSVP'd when the friend and I last spoke, and she'd already distanced herself from the friend due to things I won't go into here, but don't reflect well on her. So there is a good chance I won't be at a wedding on our proposed wedding day with her in attendance. That's a good thing.
I'm still on the emotional rollercoaster from all of this. I thought about making a post of all the lies she told me and the abuseive behavior she did, but a recent check of my LJ friends revealed that she still hasn't removed me from her friends list, so though she doesn't check LJ very often I still think that might stir up things if she saw it, and I don't want to do that. (She'd probably say I was trying to guilt her -- mania makes everything about the manic person, but that's not what I use my journal for. I use it to help myself deal with things and to pose interesting thoughts, and besides, she should remember that I specifically avoided guilting her when we were involved. I'm not the one who changed so much, because I'm not the one who stopped taking my meds) So that post is one I won't make. My LJ client allows me to write titles, write posts, and pick which journal/community to post to, and that's it, so I don't have the option of friends locking anything, and I haven't found a LJ client yet that allows me to do any of this stuff with my screen reader.
But I digress. I'm looking forward to the wedding, as I like the friend a lot and am glad she's happy, and because there will be the chance to play music at it, but it will still be a bit bittersweet for me.
The next big landmark will be September 4, the one year mark when she initiated a relationship with me. I don't know how I'll handle September, as that also holds the 27th, the day I refer to as Napolidamerung, or the Twilight of the Nappy Dog, my beloved Pomeranian who I had for almost 17 years. Plus I'll have the harvest season to deal with, and that is always hard for me.
It's a complex emotional state to be happy for a friend and yet sad for oneself. I'm hoping to handle it with grace, and if I'm lucky, composure.
I'm going to a friend's wedding today, which should be an interesting emotional ride, as it will probably bring up a lot of feelings about how this entire thing came apart. Though the friend is mutual to the both of us, she hadn't RSVP'd when the friend and I last spoke, and she'd already distanced herself from the friend due to things I won't go into here, but don't reflect well on her. So there is a good chance I won't be at a wedding on our proposed wedding day with her in attendance. That's a good thing.
I'm still on the emotional rollercoaster from all of this. I thought about making a post of all the lies she told me and the abuseive behavior she did, but a recent check of my LJ friends revealed that she still hasn't removed me from her friends list, so though she doesn't check LJ very often I still think that might stir up things if she saw it, and I don't want to do that. (She'd probably say I was trying to guilt her -- mania makes everything about the manic person, but that's not what I use my journal for. I use it to help myself deal with things and to pose interesting thoughts, and besides, she should remember that I specifically avoided guilting her when we were involved. I'm not the one who changed so much, because I'm not the one who stopped taking my meds) So that post is one I won't make. My LJ client allows me to write titles, write posts, and pick which journal/community to post to, and that's it, so I don't have the option of friends locking anything, and I haven't found a LJ client yet that allows me to do any of this stuff with my screen reader.
But I digress. I'm looking forward to the wedding, as I like the friend a lot and am glad she's happy, and because there will be the chance to play music at it, but it will still be a bit bittersweet for me.
The next big landmark will be September 4, the one year mark when she initiated a relationship with me. I don't know how I'll handle September, as that also holds the 27th, the day I refer to as Napolidamerung, or the Twilight of the Nappy Dog, my beloved Pomeranian who I had for almost 17 years. Plus I'll have the harvest season to deal with, and that is always hard for me.
It's a complex emotional state to be happy for a friend and yet sad for oneself. I'm hoping to handle it with grace, and if I'm lucky, composure.
