Now, for a Little Humor

(I'm shutting down my deadjournal due to lack of activity, so I'm moving the stuff I like over here.)
Attainable Affirmations
If you're having a bad day, and in need of encouragement or inspiration, try these:

1. As I let go of my feelings of guilt, I am in touch with my inner sociopath.

2. I have the power to channel my imagination into ever-soaring levels of suspicion and paranoia.

3. I assume full responsibility for my actions, except the ones that are someone else's fault.

4. I no longer need to punish, deceive, or compromise myself, unless I want to stay on top.

5. In some cultures what I do would be considered normal.

6. Having control over myself is almost as good as having control over others.

8. Joan of Arc heard voices, too.

9. I am grateful that I am not as judgmental as all those censorious, self-righteous people around me.

10. As I learn the innermost secrets of people around me, they reward me in many ways to keep me quiet.

10. When someone hurts me, I know that forgiveness is cheaper than a lawsuit, but not nearly as gratifying.

11. The first step is to say nice things about myself. The second, to do nice things for myself. The third, to find someone to buy me nice things.

12. All of me is beautiful, even the ugly, stupid and disgusting parts.

13. I am at one with my duality.

14. Blessed are the flexible, for they can tie themselves into knots.

15. Only a lack of imagination saves me from immobilizing myself with imaginary fears.

16. I honor and express all facets of my being, regardless of state and local laws.

17. Today I will gladly share my experience and advice, for there are no sweeter words than "I told you so!"

18. A good scapegoat is almost as good as a solution.

19. Who can I blame for my problems? Just give me a minute.... I'll find someone.

20. The complete lack of evidence is the surest sign that the conspiracy is working.

21. I am learning that open criticism is not nearly as effective as using my minions for covert sabotage.

22. To have a successful relationship, I must learn to make it look like I'm giving as much as I'm getting.

23. I am willing to make the mistakes if someone else is willing to learn from them.

24. Before I criticize a man, I walk a mile in his shoes. That way, if he gets angry, he's a mile away and barefoot.

More from Deadjournal, with added stuff.

(Long post. I do not use Cut Tags.)


Nyyki's Ponderables

What is a male Midwife called?

Do vegan women "swallow?" if so, why? If not, what is their thinking?

Ever notice that someone who rides a motorcycle is called a Biker, while someone who rides a bike is a Cyclist?

Isn't kind of interesting that pants are called Slacks while a category of hose are known as tights?

Why do you need a drivers license to buy liquor when you cannot drink and drive?

Why are cigarettes sold in gas stations when smoking is prohibited there?

Do you need a silencer if you are going to shoot a mime?

Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?

How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work in the mornings?

If 7-11 is open 24 hrs a day, 365 days a year, why are there locks on the doors?

If a cow laughed, would milk come out of her nose?

If nothing ever sticks to TEFLON, how do they make TEFLON stick to the frying pan?

If you tied a buttered toast to the back of a cat and dropped it from a great height, what will happen?

If you're in a vehicle going the speed of light, what happens when you turn the headlights on?

You know how most well labelled packages say "Open Here". What is the protocol if the package says, "Open Somewhere Else"?

When a crash-test-dummy hits his head, and no engineers record the results, does he make a sound?

Why are there Interstate Highways in Hawaii?

Why are there floatation devices under plane seats, instead of parachutes?

Why do hot dogs come ten to a package and hot dog buns only eight?

Why do they put braille dots on the keypad of the drive up ATM?

Why do we drive on parkways and park on driveways?

Why does sour cream have a use-by date?

Why is it called a TOOTHbrush when you brush all of your teeth?

Why does the door bell ring just after you've stepped out of the shower?

Why is brassiere singular and panties plural?

Why is it that when you transport something by car, it's called a shipment,
but when you transport something by ship, it's called cargo?

Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?

You know that little indestructible black box that is used on planes, why
can't they make the whole plane out of the same substance?

Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an address, you turn
down the volume on the radio?

Is it true that Cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?

Does virgin wool come from sheep the shepherd hasn't caught yet?

When you choke a Smurf, what color does it turn?

Does fuzzy logic tickle?

Do blind Eskimos have seeing-eye sled dogs?

Do they have reserved parking for non-handicapped people at the Special Olympics?

Why do they call it a TV Set when you only have one?

Do radioactive cats have 18 half-lives?

Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

What was the best thing before sliced bread?

Can fat people go skinny-dipping?

Can you be a closet claustrophobic?

Is it possible to be totally partial?

If a book about failures doesn't sell, is it a success? If a book about failures does sell, is it a failure?

If the funeral procession is at night, do folks drive with the lights off?

If a stealth bomber crashes in a forest, will it make a sound?

If the cops arrest a Mime, do they tell him he has a right to remain silent?

If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?

When it rains, why don't sheep shrink?

Should vegetarians eat animal crackers?

Do cemetery workers prefer the graveyard shift?

If you throw a cat out a car windows, does it become kitty litter?

If corn oil comes corn, where does baby oil come from?

If there is no God, who pops up the next Kleenex in the box?

How did a fool and his money GET together?

How do they get a deer to cross at the yellow road signs.

If it's tourist season, why can't we shoot them?

What's another word for thesaurus?

Why do they sterilize the needles for lethal injections?

What do they use to ship Styrofoam?

Why is abbreviation such a long word?

Why do kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

How do you know when it's time to tune your bagpipes?

Do pediatricians play miniature golf on Wednesdays?

Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?

Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?

If God dropped acid, would He see people?

If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?

If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2?

If work is so terrific, how come they have to pay you to do it?

If you're born again, do you have two bellybuttons?

If you ate pasta and antipasta, would you still be hungry?

If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?

If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes?

Why do we say something is "out of whack?" What is a whack?

If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?

Why do women wear evening gowns to nightclubs? Shouldn't they be wearing night gowns?

If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

When someone asks you "A penny for your thoughts," and you put your two cents in, what happens to the other penny?

Why is a man who invests all your money called a broker?

Why do croutons come in airtight packages. It's just stale bread to begin with.

When cheese gets it picture taken, what does it say?

Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist, but a person who drives a race car not called a racist?

Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites?

Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?

What is the difference between a "slim chance" and a "fat chance?"

If horrific means to make horrible, does terrific mean to make terrible?

Why isn't 11 pronounced onety-one?

If lawyers are disbarred and clergy defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked and dry cleaners depressed?

Why is it that if someone tells you that there are 1 billion stars in the universe you will believe them, but if they tell you a wall has wet paint you touch it to be sure?

One last one from The other place.

Politically Incorrect Dining
At Souper Salad, they have a premade salad called Tuna Scroodle. Mayo based. It has tuna, pasta, and some veggies in it. good stuff.

They also have lots of things to put on top of salads. Croutons, sunflower seeds, bacon buts, Ritz Bits, raisins...... and Goldfish style cheese crackers in the shape of dolphins.

They taste good on the Tuna Scroodle. Anyone else see the perversity of putting them on a tuna salad?